wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
