so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
