so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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