your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
