I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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