You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
