So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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