If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
