Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
