I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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