who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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