Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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