I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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