Swine flu. Run for my life!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
