I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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