Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
