Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
