I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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