I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
