glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
