my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
