What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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