i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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