My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
