why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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