she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
