once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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