Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
