how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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