Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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