he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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