Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
