she woke up with a sticky ear
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
