I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
