just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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