Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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