I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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