There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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