Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
