There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if i died would you start the facebook group?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
