Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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