I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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