but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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