apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
