I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
