Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
