I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
