the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
