Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
