I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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