Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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