I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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