Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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