you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
