You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
