Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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